“Just because he loves you too,
he wouldn’t ever take a bullet for you.
Don’t believe a word he says.
He wouldn’t ever cut his heart out for you. “
– “Popular Mechanics for Lovers”
Beulah

Five years ago, I was working at a demanding job with strange hours – I worked essentially seven days a week from morning until night, with almost no days off between February and September. It was the nature of the industry, and I lived on pure adrenaline during the season. After a particularly long stretch, I felt like I was coming down with something, but there was no time to take off, to go to the Doctor, or to rest and catch up. Finally, I ended up in the Emergency Room with a raging case of strep throat, and severly dehydrated.
I was a thousand miles away from my parents, and all of my local friends worked with me, so no one was available to be at my side.
I remember the doctor asking me if there was anyone I wanted to call, anyone I could call. There was no one.
I laid in the Emergency Room, only half focused on the pain I was in, because I felt so alone. It was one of the times when you realize what your life is lacking when it is just you, when you’re not sharing it with someone else.
I have been sick since Sunday – the kind of sick where moving a finger seemed to exert more energy that I am capable of. Laying in bed at home, I was grateful to have my parents to care for me, but once again I felt the same emptiness, that same feeling of being alone.
I felt weak, and didn’t have the energy to form a sentence, but still, I wanted someone by my side. I wanted to be someone’s first thought, I wanted someone to worry about me.
Does sickness bring clarity? Remind you that you want to be with someone, so that you have someone during the worst times? Or does it make you feel needy…

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