“Cause I don’t blame you anymore
That’s too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I’m not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life”
– “Light Years Away”
When he and I broke up, everyone thought I should let it go — I wanted us to be friends.
No, everyone countered, a friend wouldn’t have treated you the way that he did. Remember that anger, remember that hurt, and move on. Don’t look back, it’s the worst thing you can do.
My sadness quickly turned to anger – it was unfair that things ended the way that they did. He was to blame. If I could remember that I was angry, the pain wouldn’t be so bad, I thought.
One of my favorite movies is “American History X”. Near the end of the movie, the younger brother is writing a paper, and his conclusion is this – “Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it.”
It wasn’t worth it for me to be angry. I could not control his choices, but I could control how I felt about them, how I felt about him, and how I felt about myself.
I didn’t want to hurt; I did not want to be angry anymore.
I chose to forgive him and to move on.
Deep down, I believed that he wasn’t a bad person, a person worthy of anger and blame. He was simply a flawed person like the rest of us, who had made less-than-good decisions where my heart was concerned.
Over the next year, I was able to move forward and forgive him for hurting me. I had the option to be angry, to let him hurt me for longer than we had spent together. But why?
It eventually became easier to let go. To forgive him for his mistakes, allow him to regain my friendship, and to realize that simple decision was truly what saved me in the end.