“It was the hope of all we might have been
that filled me with the hope to wish impossible things
To wish impossible things
But now the sun shines cold and all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
and all I wish is gone away”
– “To Wish Impossible Things”
The Cure

Regardless of result and circumstance, I have always remained an optimist at heart. Where my views may sometimes come across as negative, deep inside I believe mostly in the good in people.
No matter how things have ended, or what failings I have experienced in people, I maintain certain expectations. I believe that there is love, and that there is a way for people to show that feeling.
I convinced myself for a long time that I was shutting myself off from people; that I was separating myself to avoid dealing with the possibility of hurt. If something went wrong, I blamed myself. I acted different than other people did, and perhaps if I tried acting another way, things would change.
Moreso than ever before, I see the people around me in relationships that I envy – the type of relationships that I aspire to be a part of. Relationships built around love, mutual respect, and the promise of a real future.
The more I saw people engaged in these type of relationships, the more hope I began to have for myself. What once seemed impossible seemed within my grasp, and with that, I found faith in myself and my future.
Quickly, so quickly, my fleeting optimism turns to denial. My expectations return to where they once were, and I’m left feeling discouraged. Wondering what it is that I deserve, and why that should be different from anyone else.