Bittersweet: both pleasant and painful or regretful

I awoke this morning to a feeling of bewilderment – mostly due to the fact that I am basically running on empty as of late. My sleep and awake times are all over the place, with no rhyme or reason determining either. I have been travelling constantly, with little time to spend on the little things that make your day run smoothly. I am tired of cold weather, tired of snow; I lost my gloves before I left for Arizona and haven’t found five minutes since to look for them.

It’s been a complicated week, at least in my own mind. My mind has been battling both my heart and my conscience on a number of issues, and coming to no strong conclusions. The hectic nature of my world has made it difficult to focus on being where I should be in my life right now. I’ve been making decisions that I’m not sure of lately, acting in a way that isn’t consistent with what I really want.

Brad told me last night that he is getting married. I know that I am happy for him, and a year ago, this news would have definitely been harder to accept. While I know that I am grateful to see him happy, it still leaves me feeling contemplative about my own world – my past, my present, my future. Something about other people’s lives moving forward always makes me question my own direction.

There is an unavoidable feeling that follows anticipation – I am in that place right now. Vacation is over, my weekend is over…both events I had been anticipating for quite some time. My next weeks appear to be full of stress, with little specifics to look forward to. I miss waking up each day, knowing that something worth waiting for is on the horizon.

I want to be happy, to remove the parts of my life that are causing my mind to feel uneasy. I want to feel energized and excited, optimistic and hopeful. I want to feel confident in my decisions, and both safe and comfortable in my relationships. I want something to look forward to in my world that isn’t fleeting.

“Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I’m willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
‘Cause my futile thinking’s
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I’m willing to die for

Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that I ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for”

– “Life And Love And Why”